It's all messed up but we'll survive. . . .

January 26, 2011



Well, I woke up this morning.

Took Keith to his 10.30 class.

Checked my mail, collected assignments, copied things for my advanced methods class.

Things keep moving forward.

It's weird.

Because you think everything should just stop.






Every morning I call my brother and he says, "Day. . ."

I know that death is a natural part of life.

But there is something so horrifically unfair about all of this.

I'm angry that she was taken away by something so insidious, so rare, so malevolent.

That in spite of all the technological and medical advances we've made, we still can't make time speed up or slow down.

Or stop.

Or that rare disorders take so long to diagnose.

None of this makes sense to me.

Maybe it isn't supposed to.

Perhaps I am just trying, again, to place reason and order on the unreasonable and disorderly.

Wouldn't be the first time.

Queen of reason. . .that's me.






Yesterday was about making arrangements.

Memorial service.

Flowers.

Catering.

Photos.

Memory book.

I was glad to have something to do. . .I needed something to do.

Jerry and Kathryn's friends have been phenomenal.

Don't think that Stephen and I are doing all the work and planning alone because we certainly are not.

I don't think we even could.

Everybody is pitching in, and somehow we're all co-ordinating.

My dad has offered to take care of a couple of things, too.

Mum feels powerless. I keep telling her that being there for Jerry on Friday is the most important thing she can do.

It's what he needs.

His mother.






My brother wrote Kathryn's obituary.

I don't know how he did it.

I really don't.

As usual, he did a beautiful job.

Always the one with words, my brother.





Kat on her wedding day.

 CLARKE, KATHRYN Unexpectedly at home, after a yearlong illness, KATHRYN ANNE CLARKE (Nielsen) passed away on January 23, 2011 at age forty-five. Born in Plaster Rock, NB, on November 06, 1965, Kathryn spent her formative years in Saint John, NB, Ottawa, ON, and Fredericton, NB. A twice graduate from St. Thomas University earning Bachelor’s Degrees in Sociology and Social Work, Kathryn spent her entire career fiercely advocating for the disenfranchised, last being employed with the Department of Social Development in Saint John, NB. The care and attentiveness she afforded her clients was only surpassed by the profound adoration and dedication so unconditionally shared with her family and friends. She is survived by her loving husband, Jerry Alexander Clarke, of Kiersteadville, New Brunswick, in addition to devoted puppies Namaste and Geronimo, and cats Kissy and Jamie. Kathryn is also survived by her mother, Ms. Marlene Nielsen (Thorne), of Lincoln, New Brunswick, Father, Mr. Harry Nielsen, of White Rock, British Columbia, brother, Mr. Paul Nielsen, of Fredericton, NB, Father in Law, Mr. Jerry Stanfield Clarke, of Haneytown, NB, Mother in Law, Mrs. Janet Clarke (Flemming), of Fredericton, NB, Sister in Law, Dr. Dawne Clarke-Pidwysocky, of Fredericton, NB, Brother in Law, Mr. Stephen Pidwysocky, of Fredericton, NB, nieces Meredyth Van Every and Emily Van Every, and nephew, Keith Van Every, all of Fredericton, NB. She is also survived by several aunts, uncles, cousins, friends and colleagues. In 2010, Kathryn was predeceased by canine companions Muwin and Cherokee, and feline companion Willow. A Memorial Ceremony will be conducted on Friday, January 28, 2011, at Holy Cross House located on the St. Thomas University Campus. Officiating will be Reverend Sarah Palmater. In lieu of flowers, donations may be made to the American Behcet’s Disease Association: www.behcets.com.






The wedding picture made me realize how much this disease had taken from Kat.

Along with her dignity and sense of self worth.

The chemo, the steroids, the grocery shopping bag of meds she had to take with her everywhere she went.

The agonizing pain of her body turning against her.

A mutiny.

But. . . . 

She retained her sense of humour.

We used to kid about her getting a disease that typically targets middle aged men from the Middle East.

How it ever found its way to a 40 something white girl from Atlantic Canada.

And how it would have to be Kat.

We would laugh.

Then cry.

But we did laugh.

And that was what was important.



Title Lyric: Life by Our Lady Peace