But we persevere, God gives us hope. But we still fear what we don't know.

January 24, 2011


Kathryn passed away yesterday morning.

No matter how often I say it in my mind, on the phone, out loud, write it, I can't seem to get it into my head that she is really not with us anymore.

My brother had been trying to get me all morning, but I'm sick with a stupid cold and didn't even hear the phone until 11.30.

He said, "She's gone."

At first I didn't understand what he meant. I thought he was telling me that she had gone back to the hospital.

Then he clarified.

My response was to tell him I had a cold and I couldn't go to him.

And then I think I stood in Stephen's office, by the telephone for a long time.

Just standing there.

Until Stephen made me lie down.

I was trying to figure out what my brother was trying to tell me.

What he had told me.

For some reason, I just didn't understand.

And then this thought came to me: my brother's wife is dead.

Next, the tears.

The shock.

They have been my constant companions.

The realization that I told my brother I wasn't coming to him hit me next.

I leaped out of bed and called him, sobbing, telling him I'd be there as fast as I could.

And I still don't know what possessed me to tell him I wasn't coming.






I did what I could yesterday.

Most of which was sitting with him, Stephen, my dad and my brother's best friend.

The house was so quiet.

I kept expecting Kat to come out of the kitchen, or from upstairs.

The dogs were thrilled with the company.

If they hadn't been there, I don't know what I would have done with my hands.

I washed dishes and made coffee and tea.

Took out the garbage.

But there wasn't much else to do.






Today we will go back to my brother and take him into Saint John to do some of the things he has to do.

I don't know what they are, but I know he isn't going to do them on his own.

I'm at such a loss about what else to do.

The grief comes in waves.

One moment I think I'm okay.

And then next I'm flooded with such loss it seems more than I can bear.






I don't know what this week will be like, but I do know that it won't be easy and being there for my brother is my primary task.

God, give us strength.

We are so going to need it.


Title Lyric: A Dustland Fairytale by The Killers