A Wednesday Giggle:
A newfie woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice
in reviving her husband's libido.
'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor.
“Not a chance', she said. 'He won't even take an aspirin.'
'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'. It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.'
It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress. The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!'
'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.
'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!'
'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?'
'Feckin jaysus, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin here, I'll never be able to show me face in Tim Hortons again!'
'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor.
“Not a chance', she said. 'He won't even take an aspirin.'
'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'. It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.'
It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress. The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!'
'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.
'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!'
'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?'
'Feckin jaysus, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin here, I'll never be able to show me face in Tim Hortons again!'
I need to get my giggles as often and by almost any means possible.
A few precious minutes in between meetings, after class preparations are finally complete (for my 3 hour class, not for any other ones. Let's not lose ourselves in giddiness!) and all I want to do is crawl into the big blue chair and nap until it's time to go home.
Somehow, I don't think my seminar class would find that appropriate, given that I assign them more readings for one class than some profs do for an entire term.
But I so want to sleep!
Hence blogging in the middle of the day as a strategy to prevent sinking into the big blue chair.
Sleep is yet again being elusive.
Issues, traumas, conundrums, dance around in my head like malevolent sugar plums.
I want a pill that will effectively shut my brain down for an entire, solid, uninterrupted eight hours of blissful, refreshing REM sleep.
Not the falling-into-bed-at-9.00 pm-only-to-be-wide-awake-at-1.30 am sleep that has become the pattern of late.
Me, wide awake.
Staring at Stephen.
Whose snoring is enough to move the house at least 5 inches a night if it wasn't so solidly grounded.
Frankie sighing at the end of the bed as I move this way and that in a futile effort to convince my brain that really, sleep is the best option right now.
Jasper, who has taken to reposing with us during the night curled into a grey and white ball of absolute adorableness right up against me, snoring softly.
At least what I can hear through the cacophony of Stephen's nightmarish reverberations.
If anyone knows of such a pill, over the counter, prescription, black market, I'll take it.
Em's birthday brunch, Saturday at the Diplomat was indeed an event.
Anything is an event if the 5 of us are getting together.
I didn't say what kind of event.
Just an event.
We noshed on breakfasts of pancakes, bacon, sausage, ham, toast, eggs, steaks.
Me and the kids.
Stephen: the seafood Caesar salad.
Such a rebel, my hubby.
Afterwards, stuffed with yummy brunch, we went to the grocery store.
CLEARLY my senses were dulled from the consumption of forbidden foods.
That is the only plausible explanation I can come up with for thinking it would be okay, perhaps even fun to take all three children and Stephen to the grocery store.
On a Saturday.
There must have been some sort of hallucinogen in my rare steak.
Things proceeded as you would expect they would.
People running all over the place.
The Gimmies and Wants making an extended appearance.
And they weren't just afflicting the kids.
Stephen managed to snag a jar of Cheez Whiz claiming that Keith wanted it.
I don't see how Keith could have wanted anything.
All he did was repeat the same question in 5 minute intervals, "Are we done yet? Are we done yet? Are we done yet?"
Em playing the lactose intolerance/milk allergy card.
"I can't eat that so you should really buy me this" in a bid for a box of Teddy Grahams.
Mer stocking a separate cart for herself.
Milk, eggs, bread, cookie, ginger ale, chips.
You know, the essentials.
She paid for it.
Damn right.
I couldn't have afforded it if I wanted to.
I spent $411.00.
The sad thing is, we've already been back for milk and green grapes.
Let's just say that special little trip should last a long, long time.
In fact, you may never see my children and me in the grocery store ever again.
I may never recover.
Wandering through the grocery store aisles, hoodie covering my head, dark circles under my eyes, looking over my shoulder to make sure I'm not being followed by anyone I gave birth to, muttering to myself, "no, no! we don't need that in our cart!"
And Happy Birthday Lisa!!!!!!!!!!! May many presents come your way!!!!
Title Lyric: Hallucinations by Angels and Airwaves
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