And though our separation, it pierced me to the heart, She still lives inside of me, we've never been apart

January 23, 2012




A year ago today Kathryn passed away.


It hardly seems real.


Certainly no more real than when Jerry called to say that she was simply too exhausted to fight any more. 


That she had moved on to the next stop in her journey.


Honestly, even know I struggle to accept that she is no longer here with us, at least physically.


I do believe, however, that she is here spiritually. 


I have to.


Otherwise I don't know if I could have made it through the last year. 






To say that it has been a very difficult year for Jerry is an understatement.


I don't know how he does it, but he manages to put one foot in front of the other every day.


Time is funny that way.


No matter how much pain we are feeling, how much agony is coursing through our being, time moves on.


Continues.


Seconds to minutes to hours to days to weeks to months to years. 


Dragging us along it it's wake whether we want to go or not. 


Whether we think it's fair. 


Or if we want to throw ourselves on the floor, feet pounding, arms crashing, railing against the injustice of it all.


The clock ticks on.






In the midst of all the hurt and anguish, we still have choices.


Again, whether we want them or not.


We can chose to live our lives to the fullest, in celebration of the lives of those who are no longer with us, honouring them by recognizing that each and every second of our lives is a gift.


Something to celebrate.


Because we are here, we are together, we do care and will continue to try and do our best for ourselves and one another.


Knowing we will falter, slip, miss steps, make mistakes.


But always trying.


Or we can surrender our lives to the pain and anguish.


Let the grief continue to control and manage our lives. 


Kathryn loved Jerry more than anything else, anyone else.


I've never encountered such a fierce love in all my life. 


But she would be angry with Jerry for taking one more minute of our precious lives and grieving for her. 


I know she would.


Her primary goal was Jerry's happiness. 


She would be so angry with him right now.


The red V livid on her forehead. (Anyone who knew Kat saw that V!)


Because as strong as her love was for Jerry, so were all the other emotions that manifest themselves in any marriage. 


And when the V was red, you knew you'd crossed a line. 






I miss you so much Kathryn.


Your smile.


Your wild curly brown hair. 


Watching you open presents was a something so distinctly you. 


Having you put me in my place when I needed it. 


Which is a lot.


Not a single day goes by that I don't think of you.


The other day I was flipping through my recipe book and I saw the recipe you dictated to me over the phone.


Kat's Potatoes.


I haven't been able to make them yet.


But I will. 


Soon.






And thanks for being there for Tikka.


I knew you would be.


Hug her for me. 


I love you.






Title Lyric: If You See Her, Say Hello by Bob Dylan