I'm carrying a heavy load. . . .

February 5, 2011


In spite of my predictions for a better day yesterday, it was not to be.

Two steps forward, one step back.

Yesterday was the latter.

Taught my class, came home, slept until 3.30, ate something, back to bed until 6.00.

Not to sleep.

To cry.






I've done things in my life I'm not proud of.

Lots of them.

Too many for one blog, alone.

Of them, I think the way I treated Kathryn has to be at the top of the list.

This is hard for me to talk about.

Because it throws kleig lights onto the less admirable parts of my personality.

My being.

Forces me to see those parts of myself I'd like to delude myself into thinking don't exist.

I'm not going into great detail, however, I will share what a I read at Kathryn's memorial service, as an explanation.

Know that in the last few months, though, I had started the process of making amends.

I just thought I'd have more time to show Kat the love and compassion she deserved.

My reading, my mea culpa as it were:



Jerry often referred to himself as the man who was loved too much.


Not a bad thing, in theory, but in practice being loved by two strong, fierce, independent and sometimes opinionated women was not an easy thing for Jer.

Or anyone else for that matter.

Kathryn and I were often at laugerheads when it came to Jerry.

Both believing we knew what was best.

Me not willing to accept or recognize that Jerry had found his soulmate and this wasn’t anything I needed to be worried about.

Or threatened by.

Kathryn never gave up hope that one day I would trust and accept that she would look after my baby brother as good as. . .

. . .okay, much better than, I could.

She never gave up believing that I would recognize how good she was for him.

And to him.

The strength of her belief in what could happen, in the good, characterizes Kathryn.

She saw people for who they were, and who they could become.

And had no problem telling you if you were perhaps, as in my case, stuck betwixt and between.

Kathryn was more patient and caring with me than I ever deserved.

Being the recipient of such love, warmth, strength and generosity has only made me a more caring, understanding and loving person.

During our last conversation, Kathryn took my hands in hers, looked me in the eye, and asked me to take care of my brother for her when she was gone.

I will.

I’ll never care or love him as well, as strongly, or as fiercely as you did Kat.

But I’ll try.




Everyday I carry a load of guilt so heavy, I wonder how I will manage.

And some days I don't, so I lay down in order to bear it.

Stephen reminds me of all the work I did to let Kat know how much I loved her and cared for her.

That she had forgiven me.

But I have not forgiven myself for treating her so badly.

For allowing a part of me to exist that had no reason to exist.

That part is gone.

And I will never allow it to return.

But I am still going to have to live with the repercussions of how I treated Kat.

That is my load, my responsibility.

No matter what anyone else says.






So, some days will be better than others.

Maybe today will be one of the better days.

We're taking Tikka to the vet, and Mer to get groceries.

Imagine which one will be more difficult.

We desperately need groceries.

Dinner with Mum at the nursing home.

Snowstorm tonight and tomorrow.

20-30 cm.

Because life does go on, no matter how heavy the load.



Title Lyric: Heavy Load by Fraser/Rodgers