I can't move on, I can't move on, I can't move on. I can't move on. "I'll Break!"

December 6, 2011




I feel like I am in a sci fi movie where some inconsequential character is trapped inside one of those rooms where the walls, ceiling, floor are all moving inwards.


Eventually leading to the inevitable crushing and death of the individual inside.


It's not work.


Actually, for the first time, I am waiting for things to mark.


I know.


I think it's weird, too.


Consequently, I am preparing syllabi's for next term, getting next week's exams ready, and doing committee work in advance of its needing to be done, so it will be done.


On time.


For a change.


I may even have my exam shortbread cookies ready before my first exam.


And Christmas shopping started and completed before the 23rd of December.


Will the world ever survive such foresightedness?


Ergo, if it isn't work that's making me feel I am going to be crushed under the weight of ever moving steel walls, it must be something else.


And in my world there is only one more "else."


Family.




















For some reason, the last few weeks have been particularly challenging.


There is a disturbance in the force.


And it is causing some fiercely nasty mojo.


Some of it comes from the continuing inability of some to understand that I do not have control over everything, everyone, all events that may or may not occur. 


Others struggle to accept that while my career choice does entail some flexibility, it does not mean that I can or am willing to drop everything I am doing to meet their needs. 


Or that repeated phone calls, unanswered because I am in the President's Office, are not going to be answered faster with the volume of calls received.


Or that if I chose to allow people into my office to work because they have assignments that require a printer, a printer we don't have, while there is another of my offspring working where they always work, then that is obviously fine with me but does not mean I do not understand the meaning of boundaries.


And if my students don't like it, oh well.


If I am still meeting with them, albeit in the lab because it is roomier, cleaner, than that should be enough.


If I had control of everything, everyone, wouldn't that mean I would change things substantially in my life?


That I would ensure balance and equanimity?


Clearly identified boundaries?


That everyone would chip in, do their share, willingly, happily?


Leading people to conclude that if all of these things are still happening, then clearly I DON'T have control over everything and everyone.


Nor do I want to.


Clearly, I can't manage what I have. 


Who would possibly consider me for the position of Person in Control of Everything??????


So buck up.


Accept that I will address all those things within my power to address.


But this does not mean that the ends you desire will appear magically.


I will try, though, because I see addressing these things as part of my role as parent.


And if you made choices that are not good for you, I will not be held responsible for them.


The reason why I keep refusing the title of Person in Control of Everything. 


I can hardly look after myself.


Let alone take control of the choices others choose to make.


So logical. 


So how come I seem to be the only one who understands this?






Title Lyric: Crushed Under the Weight of the Enormous Bullshit by Reuben