March 15, 2011
Sleepless night number four.
There is just so much going on, so much to do weighing me down like an anchor that no matter how tired I am. . .
. . .and believe me I AM tired. . .
I can't sleep.
I just lay there.
Wanting to sleep.
Needing to sleep.
Staring at the ceiling.
Trying not to look at the clock, because it creates more stress as I watch the minutes turn to hours.
I was hoping once the trip to our family doctor was said and done that I would be able to relax a little.
Apparently not so.
Nothing is drastically wrong.
But genetics is rearing its ugly head, causing some problems.
Luckily, however, these are issues that can be dealt with.
So long as I keep on hand a large supply of patience.
I think I can do that.
And accept that things take time to work out.
Time.
Hmmmmmm.
A bit of a nemesis, I'm afraid.
Although not sleeping certainly provides me with a lot more of it.
I truly believed I had a chance at sleep last night.
Until the latest Meredyth-inspired calamity created chaos and dissention in the ranks.
She supposedly had two job interviews yesterday.
Hence the ringing-of-the-cell-phone-during-our-Sunday-promenade as she needed bus fare.
Naturally (???) we gave her bus fare.
But, naturally, she didn't go to the interviews.
A tidbit of info we heard from Keith when we asked him if she had told him how her interviews went.
I hate feeling like a chump.
Taken for a ride.
Being had.
And Mer can do it better than anyone else I know.
The real question is how come I can't say no.
And believe me when I say I've spent more time than I should have looking for an answer to that question.
Guilt is a part of it.
But guilt is wearing thin.
Practically non-existent after Mer's shenanigans of the last several months.
We may be at a point where the only thing I do to help her financially is continue paying my agreed upon share of her rent.
In fact, we are at that point.
Action.
Decision making.
Strangely, it feels good.
Of course, Stephen was less than pleased when he heard about this.
Especially since the bus fare money came from him.
The issue with Stephen is his belief that because I gave birth to these people, I must have control over them.
A vulcan mind meld sort of thing.
If. Only.
Perhaps when they were smaller.
Okay.
When Keith and Em were smaller.
But never Mer.
From birth, come hell or high water, that child has always gone in her own direction, consequences be damned.
She especially ran opposite of any direction she thought I supported.
She is now 21.
Keith will be 20 in May.
Em just turned 17.
No mind melding here.
Most times, I'm not even allowed in.
A fact that, for some reason, eludes Stephen.
This is when it is very hard for him to be a step-parent.
A highly reactive step-parent.
Nuclear even.
I've had years of training in keeping my emotions under the surface, not reacting in an atomic bomb sort of way.
Which Stephen interprets as my not being aware or not caring or simply wanting it all to just go away.
That last part may have some validity.
But I am only too aware of what is going on.
And how powerless I am to do much about it.
That child will have to continue to fall until the time comes when she falls hard enough that sense is knocked into her head.
And until then, I have to sit on the sidelines, trying to provide some guidance, what she will allow.
It's hard.
Understatement of the millenium.
It's hard to watch your child do things you know will only serve to make her life more difficult.
Knowing, if just for this one time only, she would listen, things may not be so hard.
Wishing you weren't the one who was going to have to teach her one of those harsh life lessons.
And I wonder why I can't sleep??????
Onto something good.
Positive.
Downright selfish, almost.
Yoga.
I am starting yoga tonight.
How excited am I about this?????????
For a long time I've been intrigued by yoga.
A body and mind activity.
Something that will calm, perhaps, the torrential seas of my mind, allowing me some solace and peace.
I'm not all that flexible.
Pliable.
Bendable.
But this will help, a lot, I hope.
After my classes today, I'll be off to purchase a yoga mat and pillow to begin my journey into body and mind peacefulness.
And maybe even, should I be so fortunate, sleep.
Title Lyric: Life's Lessons by Lynyrd Skynyrd
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