January 25, 2011
I can't understand how time keeps moving.
How come it hasn't stopped.
How, in spite of everything that is happening, I'm still going through the motions.
Getting things done.
Somehow I am able to get up, take the dogs out, feed them, make coffee, eat cereal.
Make phone calls, answer emails.
When all I want to do is crawl into bed, to the very bottom, and stay there until I wake up and realize this is all the worst dream I've ever had.
I'm amazed at my brother's strength.
He just keeps going.
Saying things like, "write the obituary" and "plan the memorial service."
If things were reversed I wouldn't be able to remember my own name.
But I'm so worried about him.
There aren't words for this feeling.
Awful, perhaps, but that doesn't even scratch the surface.
Never were two people more meant to be together than my brother and Kathryn.
Soul mates.
I know people use that term all the time, but with Jer and Kat, it was the case.
They were in sync with one another.
Knew how one another felt.
Two parts of a whole.
Jer hasn't just lost his wife, his life partner, he's lost a huge part of himself.
And I don't know how he'll function as a half.
Can people do that?
Yesterday we took him to run errands.
Get his mail, cash cheques, get groceries.
More than anything, I just wanted to spend some time with him.
Look at him.
Hug him.
Talk with him.
Make sure he had something to eat.
Something to drink.
The little things.
Because right now those seem to be the hardest to deal with.
The hardest to do.
We took his suit jacket to the dry cleaners.
Doesn't seem like much.
But it's better than nothing, I suppose.
Busy work.
Today. . . . .
Much harder.
Funeral home.
Making decisions.
He said we didn't have to come.
I couldn't live with myself if I didn't.
Let my little brother do the hardest thing he's ever done alone?
Not ever.
No matter what.
No matter how hard.
Title Lyric: Pain by Elton John
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