Call all you want, but there's no one home, you're not going to reach my telephone. . .

August 10, 2010



I have had a long and painful history with cell phones. The last cell phone I had resulted in a $700.00 + bill, the product of a miscommunication between me and my brother.


Needless to say, I'm gun-shy when it comes to anything to do with cell phones.


Mer has been absolutely lost without her cell phone. I thought that she could take her existing cell phone to Telus, get a number, and Bob's-your-uncle, Mer has an active cell phone.


I thought this because it was the logical scenario.


One of the other reasons I don't like cell phones is because there is absolutely nothing logical about the administration of cell phones.


One and a half hours of my life, which I will never get back, was spent today trying to negotiate my way through the myriad of inter-continental red tape associated with cell phones.


All I wanted was a family plan. . .you know, something where I can call the kids and they can call me without accumulating ridiculously astronomical charges.


The we-want-a-plan-part was fine.


It was the how-can-we-transfer-Em's-pay-as-you-go-phone to a family plan, and the what-so-you-mean-Mer-can't-use-her-exisitng-phone that was the challenge.


And because the phone was in Em's name, Em had to cancel the phone. Should have been a simple phone call to the Telus office from the Telus store.


(As an aside, how come you can buy the phone from a Telus store, but you can't do any of the administrative stuff there????)


But it wasn't, of course.


First, Em could not understand one.single.word. this woman was saying.


Second, the Woman-on-the-Other-End-of-the-Phone, who happened to be in India, couldn't understand what Em wanted.


A very frustrated Emily calls me over to engage in a conversation with the Woman-on-the-Other-End-of-the-Phone.


I then understood how come Em was so frustrated.


I couldn't get through to this woman that Em just wanted her phone cancelled.


That's it.


Cancelled.


Meaning no more pay as you go cell.


I felt like I was in the first Rush Hour (1998) where Jackie Chan is saying to Chris Tucker, "Don't you understand what I am saying?"


And Chris Tucker says, "Ain't nobody understand what you tryin' to say!"


Things deteriorated so quickly that the in-store Telus guy who was helping us had to actually get on the phone himself.


Then he understood how come Em and I were so frustrated.


At the end of the long and unproductive phone conversation with the Woman-on-the-Other-End-of-the-Phone, Em's phone was FINALLY cancelled.


But her number and existing phone were not going to be transfered. She was going to have to get a new phone and a new number.


One happy, happy Em + one happy, happy Mer = one tired and confused Mum.


Stephen stood there, quiet but supportive. At one point, when it looked like I was going to hurl the phone through the window, he came and stood by my side.



So now we have a family plan, with three phones, and we also have two other phones that are perfectly good phones, but couldn't be transfered into a family plan.


My entire don't-waste-composte-everything-pick-composte-and-recycling-out-of-the-garbage- reuse-everything self is enraged.


What the hell am I supposed to do with these cell phones?

During all this, Mer was the primary focus of the Telus guy's attention. Not me, the one who is paying for everything, but my beautiful daughter.

And can she turn it on.

During the period when I had to walk away from the Woman-on-the-Other-End-of-the-Phone and leave the Telus guy to deal with her, one of my students walked by.

We started chatting about the summer, what he was doing, etc., when I feel someone come over, put her arm around my shoulder and say "Hi Mum."

Mer's radar alerted her to the face that her mother was talking with a rather handsome young man, who clearly spent a lot of time at the gym.

Mer reminds me of the southern belles you'd find in books like Gone With the Wind. You just never let the opportunity pass by to flirt with a handsome, young man.

As soon as I introduced them, and they started talking to one another, I was merely the middle-aged women standing there.

Oh, to be young and beautiful.

I'd settle for just being young.

The Telus guy texted Mer as soon as he was off work.

Like I said, the girl can work it.






Title Lyrics: Telephone by Lady Gaga